| Friends To Lovers |
| | Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara | I have a male friend with whom I share everything except physical
interaction. In 15 years there has been no sex, no kissing, no
intimacies. We share a rare and true platonic love.
We talk about everything, including sex, ex-lovers, money,
religion, politics, needs, wants, and hurtful experiences. Or we
sit and work on a project for hours without talking at all. We
laugh at ourselves and each other, and both think the other is
strong and intelligent.
This friendship was uncomfortable for our spouses when we were
married, but it did not play a part in either divorce. We are
known and accepted by all family members, including children from
our previous marriages. However, some of our friends and family do
not like to be around us because, "Everyone else is invisible when
you two are together."
We often e-mail each other at the same time, or he will page me
when I am thinking of him. It is permissible within our
relationship to sign paperwork for each other, such as charging
tickets or approving carpentry work. He is renovating a house and
consults me on everything from wall color to wall placement.
Now, please don't think it is all rainbows and lollipops. We
disagree (rarely, but it happens). We aggravate each other, but
when getting on each other's nerves, we say so. Neither of us is
involved with anyone else, and neither of us is looking.
This has been the way of our relationship for 15 years. Now, in
the past two months, there has been a reserve between us that was
never there before. It is something we have not spoken about. We
now go to great lengths to avoid touching, even accidentally. Six
months ago an accidental bump would have gone unnoticed. Now it
brings mutterings of apologies and careful body placements.
I have never seen him totally naked, but thought nothing of him
answering the door in a towel fresh from the shower. I'd barge
right in, make some coffee, and comment he better start eating, he
was losing too much weight. Now, I'd still barge in and make
coffee, but I would not have the composure to maintain inane
chatter. In 15 years, I doubt he noticed that I have breasts, but
he did the other day.
Which brings us to the problem. The relationship is still intact,
but there is an added dimension I cannot grasp. Surely at our age,
late forties, it is not some post-adolescent sexual awareness. Is
it possible, or advisable, for platonic friends to add a physical
dimension to their relationship?
Marla
Marla, usually when a man and a woman are friends, it's because one
or both don't see the other as someone they would date. Then,
after being friends, one party decides to turn the friendship into
an intimate relationship. When they write us, the question is,
"How can I do this?"
Our initial thought is they want to know how to approach the other
person. As we continue reading, we learn they have already asked
and been rebuffed. You can hear the desperation in the letter.
Nearly always they claim they don't want to ruin the friendship,
but that is exactly what they are doing.
None of those red flags are in your letter. What is missing in
those letters is a sense of connection, the sort of connection your
friends and family see. We scoured your letter for negatives. We
looked for contradictions, mixed messages, and hidden agendas. We
can't find any.
Who knows why the door was closed for so long. Maybe neither of
you was ready. Love doesn't come on command. It comes when it
comes. For whatever reason, it seems the door has now opened. We
are not fortune-tellers. We cannot tell you what will happen, but
when a door opens for you, you walk in.
Wayne & Tamara
| Wayne and Tamara Mitchell are the authors of YOUR OTHER HALF.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or
e-mail: DirectAnswers@echowork.com.
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