The Rest Of Her Life |
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| Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara |
My sister has gone through a year-long, painful divorce after 26
years of marriage. They have two grown children and two
grandchildren. Her ex-husband married one of the women he cheated
with.
Their daughter insists that despite the divorce, they will have
"normal" holidays. She has invited both parents to her house for
Christmas, on condition they must be civil and nice to each other
or they can't come back.
My sister was devastated by the divorce, and her daughter doesn't
seem to understand what kind of position she is putting her mother
in. How do I tell my niece she is being unreasonable without
severing my ties to her?
Faye
Faye, your niece has decided to play Switzerland and act like a
neutral party. She wants to pretend the holiday will be a greeting
card moment, even though that is make-believe. This situation
springs from a conflict which was not resolved to everyone's
satisfaction.
In addition, though her father was unfaithful, this daughter may
take his side. If that is the case, you won't sway her. Women are
hard on other women. As Tamara says, "There may be a brotherhood
of men, but there is no sisterhood of women." That sounds hard,
but think about it.
Give your sister all the support you can, but understand there is
no easy way to change your niece's decision. She wants to give
orders about how the holiday will unfold, though she can't
predetermine what will happen. If both parents are present, it may
turn into a dogfight with tears, shouting, and accusations.
The real issue is your sister's relationship with her ex-husband.
Situations like this will come up again and again. Deciding this
one, will decide them all. She must decide what her relationship
to this man is. That is the only thing within her power, and it is
completely within her power-how she chooses to react to this man.
Wayne
A Counter Offer
A couple, both of whom are near and dear to me, are in the process
of buying a house. The stress has been so dreadful the husband
recently walked out on his wife. He was convinced by his parents
to return and talk things over with her. They agreed to seek help
from a counselor.
That is the problem. They do not know where to go. They finally
picked a name out of the phone book and called. He has yet to
return their calls.
I feel they are perfect for each other, and it is the stress of
home buying that has caused this problem. Your column is the first
thing I read on Sunday morning when I open the newspaper. Can you
suggest how they could find someone to help sort things out?
Gwyneth
Gwyneth, we understand your concern and love for your friends, and
your desire for a happy ending. But all we can do is be honest,
and when Tamara and I saw your note, we had the same thought.
Buying a house is stressful. Other people hold up hoops for you to
jump through, and the process can seem totally out of control. But
when each person feels there is nowhere else they would rather be,
and no one else they would rather be with, the difficulties are
easily surmounted.
One thing we have noticed is how often buying a house, buying a
larger house, or building a dream house is the prelude for divorce.
It's not the event which causes the problem, it's the event which
reveals the problem which was always there.
Individual counseling may clarify what is going on between these
friends. Finding the right counselor is trial and error, and where
that leads is for them to understand. As Tamara just said, "When
you have problems buying a house, you don't run from your wife, you
run from the deal."
Wayne
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Wayne and Tamara Mitchell are the authors of YOUR OTHER HALF.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or
e-mail: DirectAnswers@echowork.com.
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