All About Me |
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| Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara |
My sister uses people with no conscious thought of the repercussions and
hurt she causes. Two years ago my father let her and her husband live
in a house he owned at no cost. Dad did many unnecessary and costly
renovations at their request.
After Dad toiled long hours on top of his regular job, they asked to buy
the house. Thinking they would remain there, he reduced the price by
about $30,000. Shortly afterwards they conjured up a plan to buy a
beach house with Dad. This was my father's dream, and they offered to
go halves
Dad trusted them. At the paper signing, my sister looked at him with
wide eyes and said, "Are you sure you want to do this?" My father was
dismayed at the sudden singularity of the venture, but knew there was no
backing out.
Then my sister and her husband announced they were selling the house my
father built with his own hands. Since they planned on building a dream
house, they couldn't give any money toward the house on the beach. This
put my father in financial straits.
My sister began going to bars with another nurse from work. At a
surprise birthday party for Dad, she announced she was splitting from
her husband to be with her boyfriend. Since then she has flirted with
other men while dating this man, but she told her husband she might move
back with him, if he buys her a new vehicle and a new computer.
My sister is cocky and argumentative. I feel literally sick when I am
around her. She is on anti-depressants now, which makes her even more
intolerable. The counseling she receives hasn't helped. They told her
to tell her family, "I'm not responsible for your happiness!"
I need to get her out of my life because she is toxic. The problem is,
she uses her two children as pawns, threatening us with not seeing
them. How can I get her out of my life without alienating the kids?
Valerie
Valerie, your sister is a taker, and it works for her. Therapy hasn't
changed her, medication hasn't changed her, being in a helping
profession hasn't changed her. There is no reason to believe she will
change.
She is blackmailing you. The only way to take power from a blackmailer
is by letting them carry out the threat. Once your sister understands
you are willing to let her withhold contact, the power dynamic changes.
It is in her selfish interest to drop the kids off with you, when it's
inconvenient for her to have them. It is in her selfish interest to let
the kids receive birthday and Christmas presents from you. Taking the
power of the threat away from her, restores the power to you.
Wayne & Tamara
A Family Man
Though I expect no sympathy, I am looking for advice. I am a single
woman involved with a married man. I love him and want a full
relationship with him, but he has children he does not want to leave in
the near future.
His wife is aware of our relationship and is not leaving him. What do I
do? I want him and he claims to love me, but "it's the children."
Ursula
Ursula, he has a home. He has children. He has a wife. And he has a
lover. Why would he want to change things? He doesn't need to.
What do you have? You have a married man who makes time for you when it
is convenient for him. You don't want our sympathy, but you have it.
You have found a way to make yourself miserable.
Staying for the sake of the children allows him to appear noble when he
is anything but. You won't be happy until you find the courage to free
yourself for a man who actually wants you.
Wayne
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Wayne and Tamara Mitchell are the authors of YOUR OTHER HALF.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or
e-mail: DirectAnswers@echowork.com.
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