Growing Up |
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| Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara |
I am interested in understanding the behavior of our 26-year-old
son. Our son wants to socialize most of the time doing activities
he finds enjoyable, such as skateboarding, spinning records, and
visiting his buddies.
He has finished secondary school, made a sad attempt at college,
and run away from home. After much discussion, questions, and
listening for the hundredth time, we all agreed going into the Navy
might help. However, he was rejected because marijuana was found
in his system.
We all agreed on a try at vocational college as they offered
subjects he found interesting and he felt he could finish this. It
lasted about one year. When he applied himself he got great
grades, but he soon lost all motivation.
Living away from home he ran up a lot of debt, could not keep a
job, and avoided his family for months. At present he is back
home. He found a full-time job which is now less than 20 hours a
week, as the new company is not doing well.
My husband and I have supported our son monetarily and emotionally,
but we are depressed and lost for direction about how to help a
very special young man.
Phyllis
Phyllis, because your son is 26 you want to treat him as an adult.
In reality, you are bearing his responsibilities, much as you did
when he was 16.
You fear he may disappear from your life, or even do something so
reckless as to endanger his own. He is using his actions to
control you. He has a knack for failing outright or sabotaging
attempts to make him self-sufficient. He has a talent for
burdening others with his life.
The reason you pay taxes is because there are repercussions. There
is a known, set date when it must be done. Your son has no known,
set dates for doing anything and no repercussions for failing.
Many children need and appreciate a firm hand. When they succeed,
they reap the benefits of pride and accomplishment.
Determine reasonable goals for your son, like full-time employment
and contributing to household expenses and chores. What you agree
on together needs completion dates and penalties if deadlines are
not met. When a capable adult child lives at home, he lives under
your rules. He is not a guest.
Each of us feels depressed when a basic element of life is out of
our control. Take back the authority in your home. Being
responsible for ourselves is part of life. You had to do it. We
had to do it. Everyone has to do it. So, of course, your son has
to do it.
Wayne & Tamara
The Wrong Approach
I have been dating Kitty for seven months. We were chatting a
while ago, and I asked her if she thought I was too nice. I
mentioned some women think nice guys are lame. Kitty said I'm not
lame, but she wouldn't mind a little more assertiveness.
I enjoy giving her massages, stroking her hair, and buying her
things, but she doesn't make me feel appreciated. Kitty says she
wants to be more accepting of me, but I have no idea how she really
feels. Should I tone down my niceness?
Judd
Judd, stepping out of a role creates problems. For example, when a
mom acts like a waitress and maid to her kids, her kids will treat
her like their waitress and maid.
You sense this relationship is slipping away from you. Why?
Because if a man doesn't act like a man, he doesn't trigger those
feelings in a woman that make her respond to him as a man. You
can't make a woman's heart race by acting like her handmaiden.
Sometimes guys ask us why women go for the bad boys. The answer is
because at least they act like boys. Don't be bad, but act like
her boyfriend.
Tamara
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Wayne and Tamara Mitchell are the authors of YOUR OTHER HALF.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or
e-mail: DirectAnswers@echowork.com.
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