Her Terms |
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| Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara |
I am in what I guess you would call an 85 percent marriage. We
have a lot of small talk but little serious conversation. I always
thought there could or would be more for me.
The biggest symptom of our questionable marriage is we have very
little sex. Twice a year is the norm. We have been married ten
years, are in our mid-thirties, and have no children. Before I was
married I had an active and successful sex life.
I would like to have children but can't imagine sharing that with
my wife. I go for months when I am okay, but the pressure of no
intimacy, on all levels, gets to me and I am miserable. She keeps
giving me different reasons and conditions. Heck, I even ended up
cleaning the house more, which makes me laugh thinking about it.
When we first met, the spark was not overwhelming. Why is it we
throw out those relationships for "sensible" ones? Then we spend
our whole existence thinking about sparks.
All this being said, we have fun together and I cannot imagine
leaving her at this time. She loves me and has based her whole
life on our being together. It is perplexing.
Farley
Farley, some people might tell you sex isn't everything, but that's
like saying "Money isn't everything." When you can't pay the rent,
when you can't put food on the table, then money is everything.
When you don't have the minimum requirements, your focus is drawn
to what is lacking. Is it too much to say you can't imagine having
children because you know that would be the trap you couldn't
escape. Excuses and conditions freeze you in hopefulness. If she
stalls long enough, you will feel it is too late to begin again.
Everyone agrees the one relationship in which physical intimacy is
permitted and inherent, is between husband and wife. You jumped
through hoops to improve the chances for intimacy. Now you know
firsthand you can't trade household chores for lovemaking.
Bargaining for sex has another name.
Why can't your wife pinpoint what is wrong? Because an honest
answer is going to put her somewhere she doesn't want to be.
Single. Evading the problem allows her to have her marriage on her
terms. She has decided you will not have sex for the rest of your
life.
The issue is black and white. Can you accept a marriage of small
talk and no sex, or not? Many, maybe most, of the letters we
receive boil down to this. You can't change anyone else. The only
power you have is over yourself.
Tamara
A Normal Teen
I have a teenage daughter who is 15 and having her first
relationship with a boy, the same age. She is not allowed to date
yet, so the relationship is strictly over the phone. They have
only one class together at school.
Liz is academically gifted and something of a homebody, with a few
passions which are short-lived. My concern is the relationship she
is building with her boyfriend. It started with long phone calls
lasting two or three hours at a time.
We came to an agreement there would be no calls until after dinner,
with all homework being done. She is abiding by this. She no
longer watches television, the calls being her primary activity.
She understands if her grades drop, the frequency of calls will be
looked at and reduced.
So far, papers from all her classes look good. She is a good kid,
but I am concerned about the isolation and obsession. Should I be?
Carmen
Carmen, your daughter is in a safe, monitored relationship and
doing well in school. There are a myriad of problems Liz could
have. Drugs, pregnancy, dropping out, and depression are only a
few of the problems facing some parents. Keep monitoring the
situation, but count your blessings.
Wayne |
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell are the authors of YOUR OTHER HALF.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or
e-mail: DirectAnswers@echowork.com.
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