Judged By Appearance |
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| Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara |
My daughter is a high school senior, 18 years old. She is very
cute, extremely athletic, and will graduate with high honors. Cami
has been very easy to direct and raise. Her girlfriends are also
bright and popular, but Cami is less secure with boys.
Some friends introduced her to a group of boys from another school.
One of the boys, Anthony, is a goalie at his school; Cami is also
a goalie for her school. She seems to like him. Anthony came by
to carry her to the movies tonight. Shock! He is short, heavy
set, with a beard and long hair.
Some of her friends probably encouraged this, but Anthony is not
the type they would ever date. Yes, he is probably very nice, at
least to her. He is not the type her father and I want her to
date.
How do we discourage this relationship without making her feel less
secure? What can we do to make her more secure? How can we foster
or promote confidence with boys?
Virginia
Virginia, you are asking the wrong question. You are not asking
how to give your daughter self-confidence. You are asking how to
control who she dates.
Based on physical appearance alone, Anthony is unacceptable to you
and your husband. If you value externals so much, why can't you
say it? You are trying to pass down a bias without having to admit
to it. You know if you tell your daughter the unvarnished truth,
she will reject it as unfair and unacceptable.
Taking this direction with Cami undermines her ability to make
choices for herself. You are forcing her to choose between her
parents' love and approval, and what she feels is right for herself
as an individual. It is the interior of a man which will make your
daughter happy or unhappy. It is not for you to pick your
daughter's husband by who you would pick for yourself.
You are teaching her to judge people based on what is outside, not
what is inside. This attitude can have effects you don't
anticipate. Will it make her two-faced? Will she judge herself
harshly as her own looks begin to fade? Or will she learn to tell
you and your husband what you want to hear, and act as she chooses
behind your back?
Wayne & Tamara
Weathering The Storm
Hi, you two. I'm a borderline personality in recovery for the last
four years. I go in for my occasional mental health check-up, stay
in the community of good friends, and regularly struggle to do the
right thing.
I keep getting the same feedback from my closest friends, that I do
things without thinking. How can I stop this and keep this
tendency under control?
Ingrid
Ingrid, one property of ships is righting moment. Righting moment
refers to how far a ship can go over on its side and still return
upright. People are like ships. Storms in life, high winds, or
heavy seas can batter us. But if we have a favorable righting
moment, we will always return to center.
You have professional help, a community of good friends, and an
awareness of your own behavior. You have a favorable righting
moment. We wonder (and worry) about some people who write us. Not
you. Your hatches are dogged down, you won't sink.
Borderline personality disorder is an ill-defined condition. It is
more of a catchall, a collection of things which run together, with
the relationship among parts not well understood. It's unrealistic
to think something without a discrete cause will have a clear
solution.
Experimenting with life, noting what triggers you, reading about
and discussing your situation, will in time give you more personal
insight. Keep working toward where you want to be. Realize that
deep change is very slow. Realize also that changing deeply is
worth the effort.
Wayne & Tamara |
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell are the authors of YOUR OTHER HALF.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or
e-mail: DirectAnswers@echowork.com.
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