Hitting Bottom |
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| Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara |
I'm hoping you can help us out. For four years my girlfriend,
Wendy, and I have carried on an affair. Yes, she's married. I
know, I know, but hear me out.
From day one we clicked on all fronts, and our communication is
outstanding. We can talk about the most intimate things. She is
the woman I've hoped for all my life. I know this sounds like a
Hollywood movie, but so what.
A dozen years ago she married a man she didn't love and could not
stand having sex with. He is immature, overbearing, and obnoxious.
Is my dislike showing? Maybe, but it's accurate! Six years ago
they stopped having annual sex because she would never bring a
child into the world like him.
We've talked divorce to the point where it's been beaten to death.
She shakes, cries, and becomes frozen with fear when she tries to
tell her husband. She cannot pinpoint the fear. In private
counseling she was told to use the abundant strength she has in the
business world to confront him. But she cannot. She crumbles.
Her father was an alcoholic and her mother the classic enabler. In
my armchair opinion, Wendy replaced her father with a tyrant father
figure husband. He publicly insults her and diminishes her.
Wendy fears she cannot make it on her own financially even though
she has a good income. Three years ago I started a catering
business. For three years it's been starvation, but just last
month I started on the road to success. I don't represent security
to Wendy, but if I showed up making six figures, tell me that
wouldn't speak louder than a herd of elephants.
We've tried self-help books and two counselors. Wayne and Tamara,
tell me what she is getting from staying in this marriage? I'm
praying you can spot something here which can help us. When
someone comes along who connects with you down to the level of your
DNA, there is no way you cannot play it to the very end, whatever
that end may be.
I know the odds against success are slim. But what about the men
who built the Golden Gate Bridge, or stepped on the moon, or the
woman down my street who sweated herself out of a wheelchair to
walk. They didn't accomplish that by listening to what can't be
done, did they?
Andrew
Andrew, it is often said that an alcoholic is an alcoholic from the
top of his head to the tips of his toes. The same is true of the
children of alcoholics.
Wendy's family shaped how she addresses the world. It's almost as
if her consciousness was poured into a mold and given a shape as
rigid as steel. Like steel, her awareness can be changed, but only
with a great deal of energy.
Why does Wendy stay? Aside from feeling familiar, she has found a
way to make her marriage bearable. You. You are her coping
mechanism. Having you in her life makes it possible to endure life
with her husband. You are what keeps her from hitting bottom. You
are what keeps her from developing the passion, and the
desperation, to change.
A friend who treats alcoholics once told us, "The best way to deny
you are an alcoholic is by admitting it." What he meant was that
by the time people reached him, it was no longer possible to deny
the problem. So they did the counseling and admitted how much they
had hurt others. But they still wouldn't change.
That's where Wendy is now. She lives life with deeply ingrained
habits. Her interior consciousness will fight like a wildcat not
to change. Like others before her, she must realize she will never
change for an external reason. She can only change for her own
sake. She is not ready. She may never be.
Wayne & Tamara |
Wayne and Tamara Mitchell are the authors of YOUR OTHER HALF.
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or
e-mail: DirectAnswers@echowork.com.
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